A blameworthy Suhagraat

            It was their suhagraat. The mansion was dazzling, like thousand suns burning at once, their hearts were also burning but were dark, as a moonless night and the air in the room was heavy, like a concrete slab. She was on the left side of the bed and he was on the right, deciding the appropriate words to say.  She couldn’t swallow her spit and he was feeling hard to move, a strange numbness persisted.

             They had sex, a partial sex, just one penetration made him sick, and the veil was off. His errection was lost as he saw no red fluid ….”Aren’t you a virgin?” he questioned, sound filled with wrath and she acknowledged “no, I am not” with her soundless lips and talking eyes. He pushed her away from himself, like something in her made him feel grotesque.

           She looked at him with gullibility. To make this awkward situation a little more comfortable, the words made their way through her mouth “but listen harsh……” and she listened the sound of a slap on her face. “Why didn’t you tell me before marriage, my life is ruined, you bloody slut”, he asked in a distressed tone. A shocked tear escaped from her eye, falling on her naked breast.

           She covered herself up in that bloody red sari, which she was wearing on her wedding night. She stood up and took the briefcase filled with her belongings,  “what are you doing? ” he panicked. The house was filled with the guests, and his honor was at the stake. He stood up in panic and held her, by her arms. “It hurts, leave me harsh”, and when he saw those stormy red wet eyes filled with the rage, he had to release her. Opening the door she turned back and asked “Are you a Ram?” and he was shocked but responded “…….but, I am a man” . She shouted the similar words again “Are You A Ram??” ….and a blameworthy silence prevailed, no response, just a hushed acceptance of not being a virgin himself and before slamming the door, the words she said “then why do you think you deserve a Sita” ,shook his soul to its core.

The letter of agony

                                                                               

Prologue:

Two People one male and one female met at professional training for their first job in Bangalore…girl had a boyfriend and boy too had a love interest …but when they came in contact with each other they became friends, best friends and then they don’t knew what they were …they were two bodies but one soul and same thoughts prevailed in both heads. They did went to movies, holiday trips and what not. After 1.5 years of fun filled adventurous slice of time, boy was transferred to Delhi…..they wept whole night before he was scheduled to leave Bangalore. They decided not to be in contact ever (because it would have hurt to be away). But after 3 months girl wrote a mail to him, telling the intense feeling of loss that she is undergoing and in subject line she wrote ”Pls Do Not Reply” .But how could he stop himself not to write his agony to her. Yes the boy was me and this is the original mail, name changed for confidentiality reasons and the reply that shouldn’t be send was this                          

To:          Neha.Kapoor@infotel.com

From:     Paras.sharma@infotel.com

Subject:  I have no choice …I had to reply

                      Firstly ,Yes you don’t write well…..but What the hell, what do you think I am?  Don’t have I any emotions or do you think that I will not be able to feel the things that normal humans do..… I also can’t tell anybody, what I am going through. So let me also share neha……..

                      Paras is very happy…has a perfect life …he could have been the luckiest guy…Drives a Ritz …paras lives in his big house…. paras is at his home, where his mom is cooking food for him….. Office for paras is like at a walking distance…He surely is happy. Many of my team mates here have such a illution about me. But what they didn’t noticed is that paras is laughing less then he used to in Bangalore, he is living less than he used to , he is more in his thoughts than he used to.

                      Do you really think that these all materialistic things will ever give me a constant feeling of happiness and satisfaction? I loved solitude and I still love it. But when I was with you, I could still enjoy the pleasure of being alone, you were not a different person…… you were like the sugar dissolved in water .Life took us to those turns that made us experience many kinds of emotions.

                      Here I have made two very good friends Rahul and Khusboo . They talk to me and I talk to u.  Neha Neha Neha Neha…what the fu**. They are always saying” paras will start something with Neha and will end with her, is there something that you two hadn’t done.”

                      And there I was, after ignoring their comment, would again start some fun filled episode of our life. There  in Bangalore people thought that I was your Boy Friend because I was with you all the time, everywhere. Here these people have started thinking the same until I informed  them about your so called original Boyfriend Yash in detail and now they are convinced that you were just my friend. I know that you do remember me,  but when you think about me .But you know you are totally engraved in my head and  I am not trying to release you or your memories because they give me pleasure, at least momentarily  .

                      If God has granted me ONE wish, just one I would have asked him to let me be with you for  whole of my life. I don’t care how much your boyfriend hates me or if your father is having a fight with a goon . And no I don’t want you as my mother, sister, friend, wife or girlfriend but God I want you to be with me for whole life. Can you imagine the life we can have?….. I can, that eternal feeling of happiness for whole life , laughing hysterically(while cooking , while watching TV, going to loo, sleeping, driving, studying, working, watching movies in multiplex and whatever situations u can think ) …. And that will be a perfect life but as all say perfection is impossible.

                          Sometimes at night I try to sleep….under my quilt… silently...moonlight fills my room like anything….no thoughts in my mind and I don’t know from which corner of my mind your thoughts gets back  their strength of dominating my existence….  my eyes remain open but I can’t see a thing that’s in present,  but they possess a special power of peeping into the past …with a sudden tick of the clock I feel like I am hollow , my heart sinks , my breath gets short, mind gets stormier (its kind of same feeling as I have a board exam for physics and I am there all prepared for chemistry). I feel like god let her be here ..plleeaasee….let her be here with me, I want  to talk, I want to laugh  … and in what moment I start weeping I don’t know. Then I realize you are like addiction like a cigarette , like drugs ,like alcohol. I left you and it makes me pretty desperate sometimes but I can’t have you forever in my life makes me more miserable.

                      Neha Even I don’t know why god has done this to me. I can feel you , even though I never touched you……and even don’t have such desires,  but I want you to be around me …just you …your thoughts, your talks ,  ufff lets leave it now. What do you think, have I laughed since coming here like I used to when I was with you……….were any movie, such a fun as it used to be with you……..is bitching

 So much exiting as it used to be….eating ice cream at naturals…oh god before my team mates see my welling up of my eyes let me end the mail.

                      I din’t loved you , liked you  or I don’t know which emotion can describe this relationship in its completeness but I am addicted to the feeling of being with you…..many nights I sleep imagining that I am sleeping here and wake up  in feb 2010 when we met first . But alas….. As all the fantasies, it’s not possible but yes I will always cherish your memories………bye

Your pagal friend

Paras


A lil guidance of your's is required here ..... So what can be the end ? where it all gets  culminated ? should they get bounded together in the so called standard relationship(i.e engagement or marriage) or live with the sweet pain and  memories,  or forget like it never  happened to them??????????

Pleasure of Being Alone...2...

Continued......

The little place to sit, by the side of the window on my 16th floor apartment made my otherwise strong knees weak, I sat there on the more than comfortable cushioned floor, with a deep sigh, my legs stretched and my back supported by the wall behind.

From there the far spread contours of this crazy city were visible, the city of which I was part of, till now, the playground, the so called karma bhoomi.It felt quite scary that how well I was dissolved in that hustle bustle the whole day but now I was in my protective shell, no more pretensions no more struggles, no more Honda going for Mercedes.The city was partially lit by the natural red brown black brightness of the sinking sun and partially by the artificial bright lights coming out of some manmade bulbs.

My mesmerization was broken by my talented nose which sensed the alluring smell of ginger and cinnanoman escaping out of the cup of green tea I just prepared. The light music of a Mozart flowing effortlessly into my ears …..ooohhh god it feels good…. the sky is still dusky, the room is still purple but my mood was now changing its color to nothing …..Nothing??…hmmm yep nothing… no positive no negative, no right no wrong, no acceptable or unacceptable……no judgments about others or as a matter of fact about myself .Finally my body and soul were aware of each other’s existence.

The silent vacuum created when the piece of music came to its end, was without any delays replaced by the sounds of my life, the innocent giggles of me and my cousins while we played whole day long, when we used to visit my maternal grandfather’s house in summer holidays, located in a city called roorkee in state of uttarakhand. Running around, hiding behind the curtains, chirping of birds in the evening…..as the hue of the sky changed to what we called grey it turned itself into the cinema screen and there I could clearly see the huge mango tree I was climbing upon, the unripe green mangoes which still used to be having incredible taste , the nest of a sparrow, just one glimpse of those eggs laid there……and the sheer feeling of joy that filled our hearts and souls.

The memories were so strong somewhere in my subconscious that the vivid details can be viewed on the screen even though I didn’t remember them anymore .

With a deep breath the sounds and visuals vanished , what remained with me was the slight feeling of joy that I once felt…….as sip of streaming hot tea entered my throat and took the pathway to my stomach in-between burning and at the same time relaxing my tense veins. The heartbeat went slower and breath became deeper.

And after having a glimpse of that eternal feeling of joy that once i felt in real, the so called goals and ambitions mattered least to me. I was in the much deeper world where I was no man or woman, where I posses no consciousness And when you have absolutely nothing in your mind except a feeling of a subtle happiness coming from an unknown source it’s called nirvana or moksha, the realm of silence, the pleasure of being alone.

Pleasure of Being Alone...1...

           Do you know pleasure of being lonely, anyways yes or no, let me start my blog by telling you what it’s all about. sky is dusky, house empty, room is purple and my mood is blue ,Tired of whole day of work, speculations, , struggling ,planning and displaying intellect more than that exists .

           Similar to a child returning to his mother after the play is over, when he went to play he was brimming with enthusiasm but now it’s enough of the games, some silence is needed some seclusion will be required, and to make you more informed I played the game called life.

            Entering the door key feels same as the last km for the marathon runner, the final destination. The place where I can be alive again or where I can die again. Room is Silent, dark, and may be little cold, as a graveyard, but with click of a switch some brightness is spared .Keeping the luggage of so called importance on the side, It feels urgent to get out of those narrow bottom trousers, those expensive shining black shoes, that designer tie which in the morning felt like the synonym of status, the passport for my social acceptance, now feels like a burnt plastic wrapped all over me, burning me, hurting me….. Feeling desperate to get out of it in a second or less. With short tense breaths and pounding heart finally I get over it …and thus got over my cocoon, the dress code. The dress which makes me worthy in the morning lies there on the floor like some worthless shit.

              Breath turns normal, as now my body can breath, fingers of my legs are no longer stuck in some jimmy choo hole, and my neck is free of that deadly knot. The natural rhythm takes its place as I am naturally naked once again. No external burden but a little internal stress I move to the bath with heavy breath….the steam escaping from the hot droplets of water coming out of the shower...wrapping the body, which carried my soul for the day. For a movement the burning sensation and then that feeling of eternal relaxation……..to be continued