Friday, 25 November 2011

The letter of agony


Two People one male and one female met at professional training for their first job in Bangalore…girl had a boyfriend and boy too had a love interest …but when they came in contact with each other they became friends, best friends and then they don’t knew what they were …they were two bodies but one soul and same thoughts prevailed in both heads. They did went to movies, holiday trips and what not. After 1.5 years of fun filled adventurous slice of time, boy was transferred to Delhi…..they wept whole night before he was scheduled to leave Bangalore. They decided not to be in contact ever (because it would have hurt to be away). But after 3 months girl wrote a mail to him, telling the intense feeling of loss that she is undergoing and in subject line she wrote ”Pls Do Not Reply” .But how could he stop himself not to write his agony to her. Yes the boy was me and this is the original mail, name changed for confidentiality reasons and the reply that shouldn’t be send was this                          

Subject:  I have no choice …I had to reply

                      Firstly ,Yes you don’t write well…..but What the hell, what do you think I am?  Don’t have I any emotions or do you think that I will not be able to feel the things that normal humans do..… I also can’t tell anybody, what I am going through. So let me also share neha……..

                      Paras is very happy…has a perfect life …he could have been the luckiest guy…Drives a Ritz …paras lives in his big house…. paras is at his home, where his mom is cooking food for him….. Office for paras is like at a walking distance…He surely is happy. Many of my team mates here have such a illution about me. But what they didn’t noticed is that paras is laughing less then he used to in Bangalore, he is living less than he used to , he is more in his thoughts than he used to.

                      Do you really think that these all materialistic things will ever give me a constant feeling of happiness and satisfaction? I loved solitude and I still love it. But when I was with you, I could still enjoy the pleasure of being alone, you were not a different person…… you were like the sugar dissolved in water .Life took us to those turns that made us experience many kinds of emotions.

                      Here I have made two very good friends Rahul and Khusboo . They talk to me and I talk to u.  Neha Neha Neha Neha…what the fu**. They are always saying” paras will start something with Neha and will end with her, is there something that you two hadn’t done.”

                      And there I was, after ignoring their comment, would again start some fun filled episode of our life. There  in Bangalore people thought that I was your Boy Friend because I was with you all the time, everywhere. Here these people have started thinking the same until I informed  them about your so called original Boyfriend Yash in detail and now they are convinced that you were just my friend. I know that you do remember me,  but when you think about me .But you know you are totally engraved in my head and  I am not trying to release you or your memories because they give me pleasure, at least momentarily  .

                      If God has granted me ONE wish, just one I would have asked him to let me be with you for  whole of my life. I don’t care how much your boyfriend hates me or if your father is having a fight with a goon . And no I don’t want you as my mother, sister, friend, wife or girlfriend but God I want you to be with me for whole life. Can you imagine the life we can have?….. I can, that eternal feeling of happiness for whole life , laughing hysterically(while cooking , while watching TV, going to loo, sleeping, driving, studying, working, watching movies in multiplex and whatever situations u can think ) …. And that will be a perfect life but as all say perfection is impossible.

                          Sometimes at night I try to sleep….under my quilt… silently...moonlight fills my room like anything….no thoughts in my mind and I don’t know from which corner of my mind your thoughts gets back  their strength of dominating my existence….  my eyes remain open but I can’t see a thing that’s in present,  but they possess a special power of peeping into the past …with a sudden tick of the clock I feel like I am hollow , my heart sinks , my breath gets short, mind gets stormier (its kind of same feeling as I have a board exam for physics and I am there all prepared for chemistry). I feel like god let her be here ..plleeaasee….let her be here with me, I want  to talk, I want to laugh  … and in what moment I start weeping I don’t know. Then I realize you are like addiction like a cigarette , like drugs ,like alcohol. I left you and it makes me pretty desperate sometimes but I can’t have you forever in my life makes me more miserable.

                      Neha Even I don’t know why god has done this to me. I can feel you , even though I never touched you……and even don’t have such desires,  but I want you to be around me …just you …your thoughts, your talks ,  ufff lets leave it now. What do you think, have I laughed since coming here like I used to when I was with you……….were any movie, such a fun as it used to be with you…… bitching
 So much exiting as it used to be….eating ice cream at naturals…oh god before my team mates see my welling up of my eyes let me end the mail.

                      I din’t loved you , liked you  or I don’t know which emotion can describe this relationship in its completeness but I am addicted to the feeling of being with you…..many nights I sleep imagining that I am sleeping here and wake up  in feb 2010 when we met first . But alas….. As all the fantasies, it’s not possible but yes I will always cherish your memories………bye

Your pagal friend

A lil guidance of your's is required here ..... So what can be the end ? where it all gets  culminated ? should they get bounded together in the so called standard relationship(i.e engagement or marriage) or live with the sweet pain and  memories,  or forget like it never  happened to them??????????


  1. Thats very very intense... I have never had such a relationship so i am in no position to comment but what i realize is that emotions are definitely a twisted lot....

  2. ** I don't love you. Please correct that!
    Other wise, I felt rather titchy reading this. It made me feel so connected at places that it really pained :(
    Take care .

  3. @Purvi : yes indeed its intense...its very difficult to manage these relationships for which no standard protocol exists.

    Cяystal : thanks for feeling it's essence....also,yes its correctly said as no standard existing form of love can define the above said relationship.

  4. Oh god!!! That aches. So SO much.
    And i believe, they should live with the "bitter"sweet pain and memories :)
    You know,how they say,
    "If it too good to be true, it probably is"

    Well composed. And, yes.. i am definitely a fan now!

  5. @One Life.Many Moments.: I am happy that you feel the pain..... i am overwhelmed ...thx for the great appreciative comments, the motivation was required .

  6. Ohh! Pretty intense and soulful...I got goosebumps...
    The bitter sweet pain....I know how it feels when u r so helpless... :(
    Now coming to ur shud it get culminated...I think marriage is the perfect answer to it...Wats say???

  7. intense story.There comes time in life when you are addicted to some people and they can be your family or friends and its touch to forget/ live without them. But thats life.
    On your question, i'll say, it you who people have
    t decide it. If she have a BF and had been retaining her relationship when you people were together, it means she is seriously involve with her BF too.
    I will just say its not required to be in a so called relationship and to be happy. Even if you are staying at different places you can talk to each other and meet once or twice a year to relive those moments.